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By Marty Machia, RN

Loss is not just something we see at the end of life. Loss is everywhere and all around us all the time. This doesn’t always need to be a sad thing, though we often attach that connotation to it.

Sometimes, loss can be heart shattering. Other times, loss is necessary — maybe even liberating. To be alive is to lose.

Even when we experience positive changes in our lives, like the birth of a child, those changes also mean losing who we were and our “old lives.” Add normal day-to-day changes to the current COVID pandemic and it can feel like A LOT. If you are dealing with a death, a divorce, the loss of a job or home, the weight can feel unbearable.

I wanted to offer a “How-To Guide” to navigate the murky waters of grief with hopefully a little more ease — because we are ALL in them in our own way.

Spoiler alert: There are NO rules to grief and healing. Everyone must find what works for them. This may look different depending on the day, the hour, the type of loss, or where we are in life. Try to be patient with yourself. Grief is a rollercoaster. There is no way to do it perfectly or in a straight line. One breath at a time, one step at a time. Maybe surrender just a bit more to the wild ride of loss rather than resist it.

Choose what works for you and disregard the rest.

DO:

1. Acknowledge that you are grieving. You can’t look at something if you are hiding it from yourself or others.
2. Feel ALL the feelings. Every one of them. Especially the ones that make you cringe. There is probably a lot of important information and opportunity for healing in the icky ones. Feeling “nothing” or “numb” is also a feeling. Whatever it is, allow space for it. Even if that means you only have the capacity for 5 minutes a day. Do that. Consider it progress.
3. Allow yourself to feel the good stuff too: Contentment, joy, and happiness. You don’t have to feel miserable every minute. Feel how you actually feel.
4. Do something with your feelings to process them. Feelings often like to be MOVED in some way. This could include writing them out, exercising or dancing, speaking them aloud to yourself or someone else. One of my personal favorites is screaming at the top of my lungs while driving alone. Loud sighs and grunts also work beautifully. If this feels too aggressive, you can also take a more gentle approach. Sit with your feelings, allow them to arise, and breathe them out with your exhales. Once an emotion is moved through the physical body, it is amazing how much relief that can provide. Don’t be fooled though. There will be more. Moving feelings isn’t a way to “quick fix” your way through grief. Moving emotion IS an important part of the journey.
5. Allow yourself to indulge in some self-soothing. It’s perfectly OK to dabble in some “unhealthy” coping mechanisms for the sake of comfort as long as you don’t get too out of control with them. Eat the WHOLE pint of Ben & Jerry’s, drink the glass of wine. Allow a little dopamine hit to your brain. (Skip this one if it feels detrimental to you in any way.) Healthy coping mechanisms like laughing are always encouraged.
6. As cliché as it may sound, be diligent about the basics. Get enough sleep and quality sleep. Allow yourself to try a sleep aid if you need to. Even Sleepytime tea can help. Drink enough water. Seltzer water doesn’t count (it doesn’t actually hydrate you). Eat nourishing foods that make your body feel good. Move your body. Get some fresh air!
7. Lean on as many people as you can for support. I know that can feel vulnerable. We don’t want to “burden” anyone, especially during a pandemic. Just do it. They would probably love to hear from you. Humans need other humans. We are wired for connection. Don’t buy into narratives around needing to do this alone or to be ultra-independent. Reach out to talk to someone you trust and who can hold space for you.
8. Create a type of ritual or ceremony if that feels right for you if you need closure around your loss. It doesn’t have to be elaborate (or it can be!). It can be a silent ceremony you have by yourself for a few minutes. It may be helpful to sprinkle in saying goodbye or forgiving what needs to be forgiven.
9. Allow the mess. Grief is MESSY. There is no way around it.
10. Take breaks from grieving. Don’t avoid it. Also don’t force yourself to be doing intense emotional work every minute of the day. Allow rest and take time away from grief to replenish your energy.
11. Soak in the simple moments of your day that are meaningful to you, even if you can only muster finding ONE moment that nourished your soul. It is beneficial to see your life clearly and honestly, the “good” and the “bad.” Allow for the paradox of life being hard and beautiful at the same time.

DON’T:

1. Deny your honest experience. Would you tell your best friend who is grieving to do the same?
2. Expect your process to look like anyone else’s. It will not perfectly match anyone’s. Honor yours and do not get lost in comparison. If you are using comparison for guidance, my guess is you know exactly what you need. Listen.
3. Expect your process to be done by any certain date. Some losses may never be “done.” Allow the process to unfold as it needs to. When grief is processed completely and deeply, it often is not over right away.
4. Expect yourself to be operating at full capacity. Loss can be exhausting and draining, even when we aren’t aware of it. It may be harder to focus. All of this is normal.
5. Try to have it “all figured out.” No one has it ALL figured out. If they claim they do, don’t trust them.
6. Shove your feelings down. Just don’t do it! I promise they will come back, and sometimes come out sideways.
7. Force yourself to feel ANY certain type of way. For example, if you genuinely feel GOOD and you feel guilty for not feeling sad, let that go if you can. Feel how you actually feel.
8. Keep your process clean and tidy. That isn’t how grief works. If you strongly prefer things to be clean and tidy, at the very least make room in your schedule for messiness. While it might be terrifying to let go in this way, you may also find it freeing.
9. Share your feelings with someone who can’t hold them well. This may result in you feeling like there is something wrong with you or you are “too much.” Their limited capacity is no reflection of who you are. Choose your support system wisely. If your support system is limited, consider seeking out books and talks about grief or find a therapist if you don’t have one.
10. Be hard on yourself. Being a human is hard. Grieving is SO hard at times. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself love and compassion instead. Whatever self-love looks like for you, shower yourself with it as often as you can, as much as you can.

Marty Machia is a hospice nurse with UVM Health Network – Home Health & Hospice. Her opinions are her own.